The world is a dull, empty place with Fiona not in it. The enjoyment I once had for life is gone, replaced with a constant sadness and sorrow. Each day is a test of endurance, to go through the motions of life without really living. I feel I’m stuck on this earth under a dome, and the real world, Heaven, is completely out of reach on the other side of the glass. Like the movie the Truman Show, life under the dome looked perfect, but it was a false, fake world. The real world in all its richness, love and color was on the other side of the dome. The life that goes on around me seems unaware of our limited, narrow, and helpless condition. People rushing to and fro, with agendas, goals, places to be, and things to do…the frenetic noise of humanity contained in a snow globe, oblivious that our world can be shaken and upended by tragedy at any moment. Being late no longer is a big deal to me; I’m more concerned with safely arriving. Waiting for things seems completely inconsequential knowing how long I may have to wait before I see Fiona again. Standing in line causes me no irritation; I am instead thinking of what burdens the people around me might be carrying. Or what sorrows may lay ahead for each one.
Sudden death causes this state of chronic apprehension, a lack of security, a helplessness, and a feeling of unreality. The daily weight of carrying such a crushing load saps the energy and will. God must be giving me daily strength to endure, for the sake of my family, friends, and mostly my surviving children. When I will want to live again for my own sake, I’m really not sure. I long for the world outside the dome, my true home in heaven, where Fiona now lives. 2 Corinthians 5:1-2 says “For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing.” Having a child in heaven creates a longing for heaven, and an awareness that this world is not our home. Hopefully I will figure out my purpose for being here, and a way to live out the rest of my time here with meaning. For now, I must simply hold out and see things through.