The Truman Show

shannons-iphone-287

The world is a dull, empty place with Fiona not in it. The enjoyment I once had for life is gone, replaced with a constant sadness and sorrow. Each day is a test of endurance, to go through the motions of life without really living. I feel I’m stuck on this earth under a dome, and the real world, Heaven, is completely out of reach on the other side of the glass. Like the movie the Truman Show, life under the dome looked perfect, but it was a false, fake world. The real world in all its richness, love and color was on the other side of the dome. The life that goes on around me seems unaware of our limited, narrow, and helpless condition. People rushing to and fro, with agendas, goals, places to be, and things to do…the frenetic noise of humanity contained in a snow globe, oblivious that our world can be shaken and upended by tragedy at any moment. Being late no longer is a big deal to me; I’m more concerned with safely arriving. Waiting for things seems completely inconsequential knowing how long I may have to wait before I see Fiona again. Standing in line causes me no irritation; I am instead thinking of what burdens the people around me might be carrying. Or what sorrows may lay ahead for each one.

Sudden death causes this state of chronic apprehension, a lack of security, a helplessness, and a feeling of unreality. The daily weight of carrying such a crushing load saps the energy and will. God must be giving me daily strength to endure, for the sake of my family, friends, and mostly my surviving children. When I will want to live again for my own sake, I’m really not sure. I long for the world outside the dome, my true home in heaven, where Fiona now lives. 2 Corinthians 5:1-2 says “For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing.” Having a child in heaven creates a longing for heaven, and an awareness that this world is not our home. Hopefully I will figure out my purpose for being here, and a way to live out the rest of my time here with meaning. For now, I must simply hold out and see things through.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “The Truman Show

  1. I’m so sorry Fiona is not with you. I lost my 5 year old daughter tragically in January and the gaping, bleeding hole that is left in my heart and soul is evident. I long to be where she is. Until then, I wait and endure this life without her. Thank you for sharing your very poignant thoughts and feelings. They ring true for me too.

    Like

  2. 1 Cor 13:12 says that “we see through a glass darkly.” That’s the way I feel – I am looking through a dark glass. There are so many things I don’t understand and so many questions I have about why our son died. I, too, feel like this world has lost some of its beauty and wonder. There are times that I feel like I am looking at life as though there is a glass separating me from the rest of the world. I enjoy things, but they are tempered by sadness. I am living my life, but feel separate and detached at times, an outsider looking in. I look forward to the day when this weight of grief will be gone, when there will be no more sorrow nor tears, when I will see Jason and the baby we lost, my mom and dad, and those that have gone on ahead of us, when I will understand why.

    Hugs to you as you walk this earth without your precious Rose.

    ~Becky

    Like

  3. Even, after almost 20 years, some times, there is sadness, Often, the tears flow, I don’t want
    To cry, but the tears just flow down my face, I do not wipe my face. I also cry for our Rose !
    A nurse, Kathy, told me, “Tears like WAVES…waves come…waves leave”.
    Her words helped me.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s