Oh how I wish my children could have a normal childhood. One with all their sisters growing up together. One without the trauma of death snatching Fiona away. Now their memories of Fiona will fade and she will be just a part of our past life that was normal and happy. I wish they could have normal parents instead of ones who are now not always there mentally and who are often just hanging by a thread. We didn’t just lose Fiona, we lost our normal family, our future together, and a lifetime of what might have been.
I read a devotional this week about rejoicing in trials. While I can be thankful for the blessings I have, the loss of a child is not a trial you can recover from, and certainly not a way for God to teach you a lesson and grow your faith. It’s a lifelong disability that you have to learn to live with, that tests your faith deeper than any other thing I can imagine. I can’t believe in a God so cruel as to take my child away in order for me to be a better Christian. These kind of teachings are what cause people who have truly suffered to turn their backs on their faith, as what is needed is comfort, grace, and compassion, not judgment. A bereaved parent already judges himself/herself more harshly than anyone could. We are damaged, fragile, and wounded; in Grief Share they said we should treat ourselves as if in intensive care.
I blame myself for not being able to save my child from death, even though you may find that crazy. I carry the guilt and shame of failing to keep my child alive, failing at the most important job I have ever been tasked with carrying out. I remember feeling like a complete fraud at Fiona’s funeral; I wondered when people would figure out what I was guilty of. I wondered if the hospital would be contacting CPS to make a report. I didn’t feel I deserved any of the kindnesses shown to me; I had failed to notice my child was dying in the hospital and just allowed her to fade away. Now I wonder if I can be a good parent to my surviving children. I second guess many of my parenting decisions. I have lost confidence and the ability to make quick decisions. I have a long way to go before I will feel like a normal parent again, if ever.